Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Best Line of Dialogue in Movie History
"No one's really going to be free until nerd persecution ends." -Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Tire Change Debacle
Today, on Twitter, there was some debate as to who had the worse hot day experience, Josh Mueslix, who had to grill on the hottest day of the year, or me, who had to change two tires when it was 107 degrees. I couldn't do it justice on Twitter, so I decided to make a full blown blog post here.
On July 19th I was at work. I was tired and bored so I decided to leave work early. As an added bonus, I would be home in time to let my fiancee have the car to go to karate. I called her and let her know this, and I was the hero of the moment!
I left work at 10am and decided to take an alternate route to avoid the construction on I-35. I'd been driving around on a worn out tire that I knew I needed to get replaced. I was trying to hold off until the next paycheck because I've been spending so much money getting ready for the wedding. I was pushing my luck, the tire had started to shimmy and shake the car. As I turned onto the on-ramp of 69 Hwy at 119th st I heard a Pow! Flapity flapity flapity! Fuck! I'd blown it.
My first thought was no big, but I'd better call my sweetie so she can get on the bus. I called her but it was too late. I'd gone from the hero, to the goat.
By this time it was about 10:30am and 90 degrees. It was that heavy Kansas City hot where the humidity hangs in the air and you have to swim through it and it breaks down your soul until September when you're ready to move to Alaska. The sweat pours from my body like its from a fountain and the clothes stuck to my body like spandex.
I went to the trunk to look for the spare. My mom gave me this car last year summer and I'd never had to change a tire. At first I thought there was no spare, but then I found the donut and jack. Those are two of the tools you need to change a tire. But there was no lug wrench.
I called my fiancee. I told her I needed a tow. I got a number for a nearby company and called. I told them what I needed and they were going to charge $65 for a "tire change fee." I paid with my debit card, what else could I do? After I got off the phone my savior arrived. 6'2" and buff, his black hair shielded me from the sun and his Laoasian skin had grown brown in the mid-western sun. He had been working on his Toyota in the parking lot of the apartment complex by the on-ramp. "Do you need some tools?" I told him that my shitty Ford wagon didn't have a lug wrench but that I'd just paid for a tow-truck so I would just let them do all the work. He insisted I take the lug wrench. I called back to the tow truck company and asked if they would cancel my payment and to my surprise they did!
Things were looking up. I was sweating like a pig but i was invigorated by the new circumstances. I changed the tire in a jiffy, returned the lug wrench to my Asian-American Adonis and I was on my way.
There was an NTB just down the road but I decided to go to a place I knew on the other side of town that would save me about $50.00.
I don't know if you've ever tried to get from southern Johnson County to Southern Kansas City without the use of I-435 but it ain't easy. 119th turned into Red Bridge I think? I know I wound up on Red Bridge and I actually wound up on the red bridge. For a while I went up Holmes. Bannister was no help and I couldn't take 71 Hwy with my donut. Eventually I got to Troost.
I needed to have been going to Paseo but I didn't now that at the time. My memory of the place I wanted was on Troost. By the time I'd traveled up to 55th st I knew I'd gone too far. I went to make a right turn on 55th and head to Paseo when: Pow! Flapity flapity flapity. You've got to be shitting me! I'd blown the donut.
There I was with no lug wrench and no spare. I was on the bus route that would go by my house but I was exactly $1.25 short of bus fare. (When will the bus start taking debit?)
By this time it was 11:30 and 100 degrees. I tried to call my friend, no answer. Another friend, no answer. Should I call Brown Walker down all the way from Kearney? I called my fiancee again to see if she could get her son's dad's car and come and rescue me. She could, but she had to take the bus to his store to get it, so I had to wait around in the hot sun.
Luckily, what was next door to me? Mike's Tavern! Yes! A cold beer is just what I needed! I sat at the bar and watched an hour of Denise Richards: It's Complicated and listened to some Rockhurst sorority girls chat away. Finally I got the call that I'd been rescued. We got the tire and headed off to the nearest tire store.
Surprisingly the tire still held air. Only the belt had snapped. I wonder if it would have gotten me home. We pull into Midas and it will cost $100.00. That's four times too much but fuck it. I want to go home. After 2 hours of waiting on Midas, and a hot car ride to two different Wendy's the tire was ready.
It was now 3:00 and 107 degrees. I pulled the car into a nearby parking lot on three wheels. I got the borrowed car's lug wrench and went to work. The shitty Ford's jack had gotten hot, and the handle was searing my skin. The hot asphalt dust and sweat were burning my newly formed blisters. I used the last of my strength and patience to finish the job. I headed home at 4pm to take a cold shower with one less Saturday in my life. I still have the blisters to prove it.
On July 19th I was at work. I was tired and bored so I decided to leave work early. As an added bonus, I would be home in time to let my fiancee have the car to go to karate. I called her and let her know this, and I was the hero of the moment!
I left work at 10am and decided to take an alternate route to avoid the construction on I-35. I'd been driving around on a worn out tire that I knew I needed to get replaced. I was trying to hold off until the next paycheck because I've been spending so much money getting ready for the wedding. I was pushing my luck, the tire had started to shimmy and shake the car. As I turned onto the on-ramp of 69 Hwy at 119th st I heard a Pow! Flapity flapity flapity! Fuck! I'd blown it.
My first thought was no big, but I'd better call my sweetie so she can get on the bus. I called her but it was too late. I'd gone from the hero, to the goat.
By this time it was about 10:30am and 90 degrees. It was that heavy Kansas City hot where the humidity hangs in the air and you have to swim through it and it breaks down your soul until September when you're ready to move to Alaska. The sweat pours from my body like its from a fountain and the clothes stuck to my body like spandex.
I went to the trunk to look for the spare. My mom gave me this car last year summer and I'd never had to change a tire. At first I thought there was no spare, but then I found the donut and jack. Those are two of the tools you need to change a tire. But there was no lug wrench.
I called my fiancee. I told her I needed a tow. I got a number for a nearby company and called. I told them what I needed and they were going to charge $65 for a "tire change fee." I paid with my debit card, what else could I do? After I got off the phone my savior arrived. 6'2" and buff, his black hair shielded me from the sun and his Laoasian skin had grown brown in the mid-western sun. He had been working on his Toyota in the parking lot of the apartment complex by the on-ramp. "Do you need some tools?" I told him that my shitty Ford wagon didn't have a lug wrench but that I'd just paid for a tow-truck so I would just let them do all the work. He insisted I take the lug wrench. I called back to the tow truck company and asked if they would cancel my payment and to my surprise they did!
Things were looking up. I was sweating like a pig but i was invigorated by the new circumstances. I changed the tire in a jiffy, returned the lug wrench to my Asian-American Adonis and I was on my way.
There was an NTB just down the road but I decided to go to a place I knew on the other side of town that would save me about $50.00.
I don't know if you've ever tried to get from southern Johnson County to Southern Kansas City without the use of I-435 but it ain't easy. 119th turned into Red Bridge I think? I know I wound up on Red Bridge and I actually wound up on the red bridge. For a while I went up Holmes. Bannister was no help and I couldn't take 71 Hwy with my donut. Eventually I got to Troost.
I needed to have been going to Paseo but I didn't now that at the time. My memory of the place I wanted was on Troost. By the time I'd traveled up to 55th st I knew I'd gone too far. I went to make a right turn on 55th and head to Paseo when: Pow! Flapity flapity flapity. You've got to be shitting me! I'd blown the donut.
There I was with no lug wrench and no spare. I was on the bus route that would go by my house but I was exactly $1.25 short of bus fare. (When will the bus start taking debit?)
By this time it was 11:30 and 100 degrees. I tried to call my friend, no answer. Another friend, no answer. Should I call Brown Walker down all the way from Kearney? I called my fiancee again to see if she could get her son's dad's car and come and rescue me. She could, but she had to take the bus to his store to get it, so I had to wait around in the hot sun.
Luckily, what was next door to me? Mike's Tavern! Yes! A cold beer is just what I needed! I sat at the bar and watched an hour of Denise Richards: It's Complicated and listened to some Rockhurst sorority girls chat away. Finally I got the call that I'd been rescued. We got the tire and headed off to the nearest tire store.
Surprisingly the tire still held air. Only the belt had snapped. I wonder if it would have gotten me home. We pull into Midas and it will cost $100.00. That's four times too much but fuck it. I want to go home. After 2 hours of waiting on Midas, and a hot car ride to two different Wendy's the tire was ready.
It was now 3:00 and 107 degrees. I pulled the car into a nearby parking lot on three wheels. I got the borrowed car's lug wrench and went to work. The shitty Ford's jack had gotten hot, and the handle was searing my skin. The hot asphalt dust and sweat were burning my newly formed blisters. I used the last of my strength and patience to finish the job. I headed home at 4pm to take a cold shower with one less Saturday in my life. I still have the blisters to prove it.
"Oh, I've Wasted My Life" - Jeff Albertson
So I was reading the last post and I was going to comment with something to the effect of, "I love it when the fat guy argues with the bald guy." I know both of these men personally and neither of them are fat and both of them wear their hair so short that I don't know if they are bald or not.
So why would I say such a thing? Because of course, it is paraphrased from "The Way We Was" - the twelfth episode of the second season of the Simpsons. The episode first aired on 1/31/1991. Unfortunately it is a paraphrase rather than an exact quote because I could not easily find it on the internet and I have not yet had time to go home and watch the episode. Why exactly am I quoting lines from an over 17 year old television episode? Honestly, I'm not sure - but I think it had something to do with my 1998 desire to be cooler than someone commonly referred to as "Skippy." Help me Jebus!
So why would I say such a thing? Because of course, it is paraphrased from "The Way We Was" - the twelfth episode of the second season of the Simpsons. The episode first aired on 1/31/1991. Unfortunately it is a paraphrase rather than an exact quote because I could not easily find it on the internet and I have not yet had time to go home and watch the episode. Why exactly am I quoting lines from an over 17 year old television episode? Honestly, I'm not sure - but I think it had something to do with my 1998 desire to be cooler than someone commonly referred to as "Skippy." Help me Jebus!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
This is why I hate stat nerds.
Brad Doolittle (who has the world's most appropriate name) has posted this article in which he advocates that the Royals go back to using pitchers the way they did 30 years ago. In this article he cites a stat that proves that modern pitching usage makes batters 3.4% WORSE in late innings than they were back then!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Fact of the Day
Did you know that the currency in Vietnam is called the Dong? Yup.
And yes, I have the maturity level of a 15 year old. What of it?
And yes, I have the maturity level of a 15 year old. What of it?
Monday, July 21, 2008
I'm the only person in America who hates The Dark Knight.
I would say spoiler alert but everyone on Earth has seen this film and if you're going to waste your money liking this film you are an idiot.
Last night I went to see what I thought was going to be a Superhero movie. I left the theater feeling betrayed. Warner Brothers and D.C. comics tricked me into going to see a shitty, 3 hour cop movie/crime drama.
I was prepared for a movie with a darker tone even than 2005's Batman Begins. I really enjoyed Batman Begins. It had the splendor and wonder one expects from a superhero movie, while introducing a deeper, more adult atmosphere. The Dark Knight keeps the adult, but loses the splendor.
My issues with this film are numerous, so we'll begin with what I knew about it going in. They shot this film on location in Chicago. Gotham City is more than just a city. It carries with it a certain imagery of over the top gothic architecture. It is shiny on the top, and seedy on the bottom. This imagery was present in Tim Burton's films, as well as Batman Begins. The Dark Knight's Gotham City just looks like....Chicago. As a frequent visitor to the windy city I even found myself, during the film, calling out tourist locations.
Director Christopher Nolan made this creative choice to ground his audience in a certain reality, but guess what? I didn't go to see Batman for reality. I went to see a fantasy film. That it took place in a city I've been to took me out of the fantasy.
Secondly, this movie is too long. At nearly three hours, I found myself staring at the ceiling and making "get on with it already" hand motions. From a story telling perspective, this movie has six acts. Count them SIX! There's a first act, and a second, but then the story devolves with four seprate third acts. First they catch the Joker, then he gets away then they have to save Harvey and what's her name, then The Joker blows up a hospital then The Joker is going to blow up some boats. Jebus Shit, choose one! Choose one of those third acts and you have a winner. But Four? Jebus!
Prolonging the film even more, is the Harvey Dent B-story that doesn't even start until after the second third act. This plot really needed to be the next film in the series. Dent is a complex character, and Two-Face could have been a great main villain. But, stuck away in a movie about The Joker, the character was wasted. He only had one scene (as Two Face) with Batman, and by the time Two-Face was introduced, I was already ready to leave the theater already.
The aspect of The Dark Knight that made me truly realize how much I hated it is the violence. Two scenes in particular stand out. Once, Batman has to stop some S.W.A.T. team members from shooting some innocent people dressed as The Joker's henchmen. Instead of saying "Hey guys don't shoot the clowns!" He beats them up and strings them from a rope over the 30th story of a skyscraper. Are you kidding me? This Batman always takes the more violent way out (short of guns and killing of course).
The scene that almost made me walk out had Two-Face jamming a revolver in the earlobe of Commissioner Gordon's kid. Come on! I hate censorship but are we really a society that has fantasy movies where we threaten to kill kids? I want to see superhero movies with my kids, but my step-son will be 21 before he's able to watch this. Gimme a break! While I've been typing this blog I've seen 3 Batman related commercials on Nickelodeon. So are you making a movie for kids? You're advertising to them, and pointing guns at their brains.
The worst part about this film, and the thing that I keep harping on, is that it is not fantasy. It is not a superhero movie. It is a cop drama. The Joker is kind out of control, and Batman wears a suit, but otherwise its just an action movie starring Vin Diesel. "But Pirate Ninja, this is more like the comic books." Well, those comic books suck.
Okay, they may not suck, but if the writers at D.C. have decided to change Batman from a superhero then they have made a grave mistake. The "the comic books" you're talking about started in 1986, but the Batman character dates back to 1939. So you tell me which is a better representation of the character.
I like superhero movies. I do not like cop dramas. I do not like shoot-em-up, blow-em-up action flicks. I feel like I have been duped into spending money on a film that I would not have gone to had it not had a character named Batman.
Through all this panning I do have to say I did enjoy the acting in this film. Christian Bale is alright, Heath Ledger was phenomenal (as all accounts indicate) Aaron Eckhart was great, Maggie Gyllenhaal brought more to her performace as what's her name than Katie Cruise did, and even Morgan Freeman had more to do this time, including a moral choice.
Last night I went to see what I thought was going to be a Superhero movie. I left the theater feeling betrayed. Warner Brothers and D.C. comics tricked me into going to see a shitty, 3 hour cop movie/crime drama.
I was prepared for a movie with a darker tone even than 2005's Batman Begins. I really enjoyed Batman Begins. It had the splendor and wonder one expects from a superhero movie, while introducing a deeper, more adult atmosphere. The Dark Knight keeps the adult, but loses the splendor.
My issues with this film are numerous, so we'll begin with what I knew about it going in. They shot this film on location in Chicago. Gotham City is more than just a city. It carries with it a certain imagery of over the top gothic architecture. It is shiny on the top, and seedy on the bottom. This imagery was present in Tim Burton's films, as well as Batman Begins. The Dark Knight's Gotham City just looks like....Chicago. As a frequent visitor to the windy city I even found myself, during the film, calling out tourist locations.
Director Christopher Nolan made this creative choice to ground his audience in a certain reality, but guess what? I didn't go to see Batman for reality. I went to see a fantasy film. That it took place in a city I've been to took me out of the fantasy.
Secondly, this movie is too long. At nearly three hours, I found myself staring at the ceiling and making "get on with it already" hand motions. From a story telling perspective, this movie has six acts. Count them SIX! There's a first act, and a second, but then the story devolves with four seprate third acts. First they catch the Joker, then he gets away then they have to save Harvey and what's her name, then The Joker blows up a hospital then The Joker is going to blow up some boats. Jebus Shit, choose one! Choose one of those third acts and you have a winner. But Four? Jebus!
Prolonging the film even more, is the Harvey Dent B-story that doesn't even start until after the second third act. This plot really needed to be the next film in the series. Dent is a complex character, and Two-Face could have been a great main villain. But, stuck away in a movie about The Joker, the character was wasted. He only had one scene (as Two Face) with Batman, and by the time Two-Face was introduced, I was already ready to leave the theater already.
The aspect of The Dark Knight that made me truly realize how much I hated it is the violence. Two scenes in particular stand out. Once, Batman has to stop some S.W.A.T. team members from shooting some innocent people dressed as The Joker's henchmen. Instead of saying "Hey guys don't shoot the clowns!" He beats them up and strings them from a rope over the 30th story of a skyscraper. Are you kidding me? This Batman always takes the more violent way out (short of guns and killing of course).
The scene that almost made me walk out had Two-Face jamming a revolver in the earlobe of Commissioner Gordon's kid. Come on! I hate censorship but are we really a society that has fantasy movies where we threaten to kill kids? I want to see superhero movies with my kids, but my step-son will be 21 before he's able to watch this. Gimme a break! While I've been typing this blog I've seen 3 Batman related commercials on Nickelodeon. So are you making a movie for kids? You're advertising to them, and pointing guns at their brains.
The worst part about this film, and the thing that I keep harping on, is that it is not fantasy. It is not a superhero movie. It is a cop drama. The Joker is kind out of control, and Batman wears a suit, but otherwise its just an action movie starring Vin Diesel. "But Pirate Ninja, this is more like the comic books." Well, those comic books suck.
Okay, they may not suck, but if the writers at D.C. have decided to change Batman from a superhero then they have made a grave mistake. The "the comic books" you're talking about started in 1986, but the Batman character dates back to 1939. So you tell me which is a better representation of the character.
I like superhero movies. I do not like cop dramas. I do not like shoot-em-up, blow-em-up action flicks. I feel like I have been duped into spending money on a film that I would not have gone to had it not had a character named Batman.
Through all this panning I do have to say I did enjoy the acting in this film. Christian Bale is alright, Heath Ledger was phenomenal (as all accounts indicate) Aaron Eckhart was great, Maggie Gyllenhaal brought more to her performace as what's her name than Katie Cruise did, and even Morgan Freeman had more to do this time, including a moral choice.
Friday, July 18, 2008
We need to work harder
If we want to be able to retire off of this thing, we've got to do something about this:
My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Jesus Christ and the Pitching Wedge
One day in 2003, a salesman came to the golf course. He talked to the guy that runs the clubhouse through a rental agreement with the Golf Course Board. He told the manager that he wanted to sell him a beverage cart. Of course, it was top-of-the-line and beautiful, as far as beverage carts go...and that wasn't even the good part. The salesman told the clubhouse guy that businesses will pay good money to advertise on his cart...in fact, he'd even sell the advertising, send him the ads to put on the cart and then send him a check every month. The clubhouse manager could then pay for the cart out of the advertising revenue and even have a little left over for his trouble. Sure, the cart cost $13,000, but what does that matter? The advertisers are paying for it anyway, right?
The clubhouse guy bought it hook, line and sinker. Despite the fact that he had no authority to do so, he signed a long-term agreement on behalf of the golf course Board. Once he took delivery and the Board saw the cart, they weren't especially happy. Of course, this is Iowa and people generally try their best to be polite and avoid confrontation. Besides, the advertisers were paying for it anyway, right?
The salesman immediately sold the contract to some financing company in Pennsylvania. The ad money actually came in as promised for a few months. The clubhouse manager put the proceeds into his business account (not the golf course's) and pay for the cart with personal checks. Then the ad money stops coming in because, of course, no one is contractually obligated to actually pay. The clubhouse owner feels he has been cheated and stops paying for the cart...that'll teach 'em!
The finance company proceeds to sue the golf course board in the state of Pennsylvania for breech. When served, the golf course board gives the paperwork to the clubhouse manager and tells him, "This is your mess, clean it up." The clubhouse owner claims he has been cheated and convinces the board to give him $500 to secure the services of legal counsel. Said legal counsel attempts to defend the clubhouse manager rather than the golf course board and unsurprisingly, the plaintiff receives a favorable judgment to the tune of $19,000+.
Now today, 5 years after the clubhouse manager took delivery of the stupid cart, the board president comes to me to see if I can stop the judgment in federal court before they put a lien on their clubhouse. This is the first I had even heard of the transaction. If they had done it right 3 years ago, they could have gotten the contract invalidated and had grounds for counterclaim. Now they are proper fucked.
I don't even like golf.
The clubhouse guy bought it hook, line and sinker. Despite the fact that he had no authority to do so, he signed a long-term agreement on behalf of the golf course Board. Once he took delivery and the Board saw the cart, they weren't especially happy. Of course, this is Iowa and people generally try their best to be polite and avoid confrontation. Besides, the advertisers were paying for it anyway, right?
The salesman immediately sold the contract to some financing company in Pennsylvania. The ad money actually came in as promised for a few months. The clubhouse manager put the proceeds into his business account (not the golf course's) and pay for the cart with personal checks. Then the ad money stops coming in because, of course, no one is contractually obligated to actually pay. The clubhouse owner feels he has been cheated and stops paying for the cart...that'll teach 'em!
The finance company proceeds to sue the golf course board in the state of Pennsylvania for breech. When served, the golf course board gives the paperwork to the clubhouse manager and tells him, "This is your mess, clean it up." The clubhouse owner claims he has been cheated and convinces the board to give him $500 to secure the services of legal counsel. Said legal counsel attempts to defend the clubhouse manager rather than the golf course board and unsurprisingly, the plaintiff receives a favorable judgment to the tune of $19,000+.
Now today, 5 years after the clubhouse manager took delivery of the stupid cart, the board president comes to me to see if I can stop the judgment in federal court before they put a lien on their clubhouse. This is the first I had even heard of the transaction. If they had done it right 3 years ago, they could have gotten the contract invalidated and had grounds for counterclaim. Now they are proper fucked.
I don't even like golf.
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